


Afraid

by olivemartini



Category: Stitchers (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cameron's POV, Character Insight, Epside: s02e01, F/M, Romance, Stitchers - Freeform, camsten, heart condition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-29 02:50:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6355927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/olivemartini/pseuds/olivemartini
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's been brought back from the dead, and Cameron's done with being afraid.  Except, of course, when it comes to Kirsten.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Afraid

He keeps telling himself that he's done being afraid.

He spent his child hood looking over his shoulder for hidden health hazards like most children look for the boogey man.  He watched from windows as kids his age ran around in the street.  His childhood had been wasted away, every chance at happiness stopped by his mother's nervous glances and the crushing weight of his father's expectations.   He was not allowed to be himself, but now that he's come back from the dead, even that isn't good enough.  He needs to be someone better.

He wants to be a hero.  He wants to be remembered. And even though it feels amazing to be behind the controls of that computer, and to know that he will play a very important role in the development of ground breaking technology, no one ever remembers people like him.  People idolize bravery, the ones who walk straight into hell with fire burning in their eyes and confidence seeping from every step they take.  He wants to be less of a lab rat and more like Kirsten.

It's easy now.  He knows that just because he came back from the brink of death once doesn't mean that it will happen a second time, but he doesn't care.  It's been so long since he's been able to feel the rush of adrenaline without it being accompanied by the anxiety of possible heart failure, and he finds it the best drug in existence.  He thinks he could waste his life away searching for ways to keep that feeling there, to never go back to normal, because he's never felt so free.  So he tells himself that fear is not an option, because heroes never seem to be afraid.

So he cracks jokes about his almost dying.  He climbs up the walls of buildings.  He gives attitude to rent-a-cops and locks his own private security detail in a panic room.  And he gets to carry around a badge, and he likes hearing the word "agent" in front of his name a hell of a lot more than he ever enjoyed hearing "Dr. Goodkin."  The Cameron from a week ago wouldn't be thinking about risking his life and raising hell, but now it's become his obsession.  Suddenly, that bucket list of impossible things he made when he was twelve (which included ideas that varied from save the world to ride a roller coaster without puking) doesn't seem so impossible.  And he loves it, and wants it, even though it's making everyone who's known him a little nervous.

But he's not afraid.  He's done being afraid.

Even though he still won't tell Kirsten.

It's getting easier to consider the idea, what with his knew "no being afraid" policy.  He thinks about reaching over and holding her hand while walking her out of the lab, casually, and never saying anything about it.  He thinks abut telling her how beautiful she is, just out of the blue, and pretending he does it all the time.  He thinks that if she were to come over for a late night movie marathon like she has in the past, he would grab her wrist and tell her that it's much too late for her to head home, that she should stay, even if it means she takes the bed and he gets the couch.  He thinks that it would be easy, after she races into danger and he follows her without a second thought, for him to take her into his arms and kiss her.  He wants to kiss her.  He imagines how good it would feel to finally tell her he loves her, to get rid of this agonizing feeling in his chest whenever he sees her and realizes that she has no idea.  He's started to- in the elevator, walking down the street, watching tv, eating dinner, when he calls her in the morning- but he always stops himself, because _not now, she's busy, this is not the time._

But there's never going to be enough time for that, and he knows it.

Cameron's never been afraid in any situation where Kirsten is concerned, no matter how much he should have been.  She always burns brighter than the rest of the world, and as long as they're together with her fire blazing, he knows nothing can touch them.  So Cameron's not avoiding this because he's a coward.  He's avoiding it because he's not an idiot.

He's not afraid of dying, not anymore, but he knows if he told Kirsten that he loved her and she couldn't find it in herself to say it back, it would kill him faster than any bullet.


End file.
